I Don't Feel Like It

What do I do when I just don't feel like making sure I am leaving a trail of beauty wherever I go? 

What do I do when I would rather crawl back under the covers and hide my head from the events of the day, the week, the month, the upcoming year? 

What do I do when the events of the past several years threaten to undo me and the words of Jeremiah seem like my own? (Lamentations 1:16)

I am your classic melancholy personality. It is a conscious effort for me to see the glass half full or overflowing every. Single. Day. I have been told this kind of personality feeds the creative side of my self. The art I produce and the whimsy I dabble in on a regular basis come from the melancholy segment of my soul.

I talk a big game about living life ridiculously and skipping through public places -- and I do those things with great glee some days. Others -- not so much.

At times a dark, heavy cloud overtakes me and smooshes me under it while I claw, gnash my teeth, and gasp for air in order to resurface and reassess my surroundings with a new found admiration for those who endure the depths of despair on a daily basis.

I am comforted by the life of the author and perfecter of faith. He is called a Man of Sorrows. He withdrew  frequently to refresh Himself and to be alone with His Father. My own struggle is eased in knowing He chose to showcase the struggles of His followers all throughout Scripture. 

Lamentations is a whole book about the woes of Jerusalem from Jeremiah's perspective. He wept throughout the telling. Psalms is full of its own lengthy coverage of tears and sadness as David poured his heart out on the page again and again. These prominent figures in our life's manual from our precious Heavenly Father were not unacquainted with grief, with sorrow, and dare I say it? With depression. While each of them also wrote about great joy at knowing God, they also spent plenty of time discussing their deep despair and days where laying on a mat or shaking their fists felt far more freeing than singing another chorus of "Kum Ba Yah".

Beauty and sorrow mingle together. Grey clouds blot out the sun. I am no less a child of God or Princess of the King on days when I cannot see Him through the fog, summon up the strength to praise loudly or sing a happy tune. 

Some days are just like that. 

What I am grateful for on those days is His assurance that envelops me and gives me courage to keep close to Him in the midst of my darkest thoughts. I know His words, and most times I can cling to them in spite of the feelings that threaten to pitch me to a place of abandonment or thinking I am forsaken.

If you ever struggle to see the beauty in the midst of dark days, I encourage you to try to do what the verse on the photo says. Be still. I can't guarantee anything as a result, but I can with all confidence tell you the rest of that verse is as true as anything God has told us . . . He will assuredly fight for us. That brings me comfort. 

If this post has left you wanting . . . Go here.

On His Adventure through it all~

Pam